Holy Suffering

   This isn't going to be my most joyful or uplifting post, but I'm going to do my best to point out what I've learned. Last year I went to Passion 2010. At that conference I really experienced God and a lot of growth in my own spiritual journey. One sermon that really stood out to me was Francis Chan's message about Suffering for Jesus, with Jesus the way He did for us on the cross. 

   One of the many verses he focused on was 1 Peter 4:12-13 "¹² Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice in as much as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." The passion Francis had when he spoke of this brought me to tears. At that moment I began to pray for anguish. Anguish-Extreme pain, distress or anxiety. Be careful what you "wish" for.


   Well, if you don't know-God hears you when you call on Him. However, it has taken time for that to come to light. As I read back on my notes the last thing I wrote was "The Holy Spirit is the comforter. Why would we need a comforter if there is no suffering-If  you are comfortable?" 


   Now, I'm going to go through my "sufferings" with as little detail as possible to protect the people that have been involved. : ) I'll state my "suffering" and then what I have been able to learn from it at this point. Some of them I have not yet figured out.

   I went to Kenya last year and had the most amazing time. The fund raising was difficult, and really something that I completely put my trust in God for. He provided. I had the best trip and it changed my life and my perspective on life and relationships. I was struggling with a lot of sin, and realized that I needed to be better with relationships. All relationships-family, friends and romantic (when the time came)  


   While I was in Kenya my roommate left for a long term mission. The new roommate arranged was supposed to move in while we were gone. I got home to a voice mail saying that she was no longer going to move in. Thus, began the hunt for a roommate. After many failed attempts there was finally one that stuck. : ) She and I became friends and are still in touch, but there was a lot of tension at the end of our time together.

   The end of 2010 was also the end of a relationship that I had held on to for years. I thought I would never heal even though I knew my God was so big that I would. --I learned what I need in a relationship, and I became a lot stronger woman because I wont allow myself to be mistreated. Which is something I used to really struggle with.

   The beginning of 2011 was so bright! Prayers were being answered and things were going smoothly. I got back in school, I moved into a new house near school, had a new job, and 3 new roommates that I was excited to get to know and share the new year with. I had lots of friends, and was really excited about the potential of the upcoming year.  


  I met a boy that surprised me by how much I liked him. I was so thankful for God showing me that I could move on from my past. Then after a few months of dating it didn't work out. I was mostly OK with that. : ) I knew there was a reason for it. So, I kept my head up.


   I met a new boy thanks to my old roomie who set us up : ) Now he is my Mountain Man. He really is a blessing even though we have our struggles like everyone else. I could go on all day about how wonderful he is to me. 


   The same day MM contacted me to get to know me and arrange a time to meet I totaled my car. Well, I got hit by a drunk driver. I had just paid off my car and gotten new tires THAT WEEK. Luckily, I got a nice size check from my insurance company and was able to get a car that I love. Even though, it comes with a payment every month. : / It was really hard for me to forgive the person that hit me. I still struggle with it. I just can't believe people put their lives at risk and others. Although, I saw Jesus in the complete strangers that stopped to help me, the man that was checking his mail and chased the driver down in his car, and my best friend just "happened" to drive by! God takes care of us. 


   I had trouble with processing with financial aid for school, and had no one in my life that was in a position to help me front the money for school. I thought I was going to have to drop out when my boss stepped in and supported me. Of course I paid them back once I got my loan, but God showed me that we are a community and we should take care of each other. I was so thankful and shocked by their generosity. I didn't feel deserving of it. The situation reminded me of God's grace.

     Then, the planning started for Kenya. Again, I was in a position financially that I was really relying on the Lord. As a leader I didn't feel sufficient or qualified enough for the role. The finances weren't coming in, so I had to support myself with money I hardly had to meet deadlines. God did provide enough money for our team to go to Kenya. (I knew He would!)


    After all of that I lost a best friend. This is one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I learned how I can be a better friend and have new expectations for what a friendship is. This is something I'm still processing. I see God in this situation and how He has used it for other people, but I haven't seen Gods purpose in this for me.  

    It was FINALLY time to go to Kenya. After all of the struggles of leadership and finances I was sure that the trip is where it would all come together. Well, after a day of travel and two days in the village I got really sick. I missed out on two days in the village, and wasn't fully well for the rest of the trip. I was really angry with God. I didn't get it. I struggled to be there, and then I didn't get to experience it all!?!? I had a really hard time seeing God on this trip, and last year I saw Him in everything I laid eyes on. This year, I mostly saw Him in my team. They were amazing and really stayed unified the entire trip. Even when I couldn't  be there. I'm still processing everything, and I hope there is a bigger take away that I will grasp soon. 


   Upon returning I was really angry with God and really confused about my trip. I was also still sick. Then, it was confirmed that all of my current roommates are moving out. I really do not want to find new roommates. Every year you are searching for someone new to live with. You find out things that aren't compatible with you and another person. It never really feels like home. It's just stressful. So, I decided to move out as well. After searching I realized it is not realistic for me to be moving out on my own. My search has begun for new roommates, and if it doesn't work out.....Then, it's back to square one. 


    Shortly after returning home I saw someone I care about suffer with a loss in their family. It was so hurtful to me to see the people I care about hurting. This had me questioning God again. not to mention it was so soon after all of my confusion with my trip to Kenya, and I still hadn't processed that. I was still really angry and the fire was just starting. 


   A few days after all of that I had picked up my cat from my moms (She's sweet enough to keep her grand kitty when I go out of town.) late one night, and people were visiting at our house. So I parked outside of the garage. With my hands full of my cats belongings I didn't think to lock the doors to my car. My car got "broken" into and my laptop, ipod and make-up (of all things) got stolen. I'm still noticing small things missing as well. School was really challenging without my own laptop because I'm taking an online class. With money I didn't have I went and got a small portable CHEAP computer. 


   With all of this happening I was just angry at God and really confused about what He was trying to show me. I have been praying about it for a long time, and today it finally came to light. I prayed for suffering, and this is my season. I have to face everything head on, with grace, and confidence that there is a purpose. Things will get better. I am REALLY praying for that now! : )


   Christianity isn't "a walk in the park". There are trials and tribulations. There are many things to be learned in order to help us grow in Him. I may be in the darkness, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am running full speed ahead, and I'm not looking back. I'm taking what I've learned and holding it close to my heart. The hard part now is going to be applying it all to my life. My comforter is near, and I am not alone. Even though I feel that way a lot of the time. This too shall pass. 

    I will not be surprised by this fiery ordeal, but I will choose to rejoice in the Lord through it.  I will be overjoyed when His glory is revealed!!!!


Coming Out of The Darkness,
KB